LESSONS FROM MY GRANDPARENTS

FOR MY NAN, PERHAPS THE GREATEST THING THAT I GET TO BE IN THIS LIFE IS YOUR NAMESAKE

A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO, I RECEIVED THE CALL IN A DIMLY LIT NORWEGIAN BEDROOM IN THE EARLY MORNING. JUST TWO DAYS AFTER GETTING ENGAGED, MY MUM WAS CALLING TO TELL ME MY NAN WAS ABOUT TO DIE. I TELL YOU; SHE WON THE DYING LOTTERY. IN HER OWN BED PEACEFULLY, WITH THE AFTERNOON SUN STREAMING IN, HER FAMILY BY HER SIDE AT THE RIPE OLD AGE OF 95, HEALTHY AND HERSELF UP UNTIL THAT MOMENT. BUT IN THE ISOLATION OF HEARING THE NEWS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD, THAT OFFERED LITTLE CONSOLATION.

AS THE PLANE LIGHTS WERE LOW AND PEOPLE SLEPT AROUND ME, I SPENT THE 12-HOUR FLIGHT WITH MY LEGS CROSSED ON THE SEAT, WRITING HER EULOGY. OSCILLATING BETWEEN TEARS AND HAPPINESS. JOY AND SADNESS. FOR ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME WELL, OR AT ALL REALLY, THEY KNOW THAT MY GRANDPARENTS ARE A CENTRAL, BEAUTIFUL, VERY PRESENT ASPECT OF MY LIFE. IT’S EVEN WRITTEN IN MY RESUME....

I ACKNOWLEDGE THAT NOT EVERYONE IS SO LUCKY TO HAVE THEIR GRANDPARENTS IN THEIR LIFE, OR OF COURSE HAVE GRANDPARENTS THAT DESERVE TO BE IN THEIR LIFE. I ALSO MISSED MY OWN GRANDPARENTS. I WAS YOUNGER WHEN MY FATHER’S PARENTS DIED. MY PATERNAL GRANDMOTHER PASSED AWAY IN HEARTBREAKING CIRCUMSTANCES WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL AND I ALMOST LONG MORE FOR HER NOW KNOWING THE BEAUTY OF A GRANDDAUGHTER-GRANDMOTHER RELATIONSHIP. I ONCE READ A FABULOUS BOOK BY AMERICAN ANTHROPOLOGIST JAROD DIAMOND, 'THE WORLD UNTIL YESTERDAY'. IN IT HE WAS LIVING AND DOCUMENTING THE LIVES OF PEOPLE IN THE HIGHLANDS OF PNG. HE WRITES THAT FOR BASICALLY FOREVER, OUR OLDIES AND ELDERS HAVE BEEN THE KNOWLEDGE HOLDERS OF OUR SOCIETY. YET WITH RISE OF TECHNOLOGY, OUR DWINDLING INTERACTION WITH NATURE AND THE RAPID PACE OF CHANGE, THEIR ROLES ARE BECOMING REDUNDANT AND SO, IT IS PERCEIVED THAT LISTENING TO THEIR STORIES HAS BECOME A BURDEN RATHER THAN A CHANCE TO OBTAIN WISDOM.

AND NOW, AS I HAVE NO GRANDPARENTS STILL LIVING, AND MY ACCESS TO THAT KNOWELDGE HAS BEEN HALTED, I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE HAS ENTRED A NEW PHASE. SO, THIS IS AN ODE, A THANKYOU, MORE FOR MYSELF THAN ANYTHING, TO MY GRANDPARENTS, FOR THEIR PLACE AND PRESENCE IN MY LIFE, FOR THE LESSONS I'VE LEARNED AND FOR BEING A SOURCE OF WISDOM. AND FOR YOU, IN THE HOPES OF SHARING THEIR JOY AND WISDOM A LITTLE FURTHER. LESSON ONE: CONNECTION

THE NEIGHBOURS AT NAN'S 95TH BIRTHDAY PARTY IN APRIL WE, AS HUMANS ARE WIRED FOR CONNECTION. MY GRANDPARENTS, MY MOTHER’S PARENTS, ALWAYS HAD A CONSTANT STREAM OF PEOPLE COMING THROUGH THEIR DOOR. DAVE, FROM NO. 21 BRINGS THE PAPER OVER EVERY FRIDAY MORNING. TED AND LIZ CAME IN FOR MORNING TEA ON WEDNESDAYS AT 10.30AM AFTER THEIR SHOPPING TRIP IN TOWN. VILLIE FROM ACROSS THE ROAD BRINGS LEMONS FROM HER GARDEN AND STANDS ON THE DRIVEWAY TALKING FOR AN HOUR SOMETIMES. MRS MAC’S FROM THREE DOORS UP, HER DAUGHTER IS ONE OF MY MOTHER’S LIFELONG FRIENDS. MATT AND NOLEEN FROM NEXT DOOR INVITE NANNA OVER FOR ‘BRAAI’ WITH THEIR FRIENDS HALF HER AGE. AND SOMEONE FROM THE FAMILY WALKS IN UNANNOUNCED ALMOST EVERY DAY.

LESSON TWO: FRIENDSHIP MY FAVOURITE WRITER, DE BOTTON OBSERVES THAT IN WESTERN SOCIETY, WE HAVE A ‘CLAUSTROPHOBIC PRESSURE TO DERIVE ALL OF OUR SATISFACTIONS FROM OUR [ROMANTIC] RELATIONSHIPS’. WE NEED FRIENDSHIPS IN THE HOPES OF OFFSETTING THIS. BOTH MY GRANDPARENTS HAD MANY LIFELONG FRIENDSHIPS. I SAW THE EFFORT, ATTENTION AND SELFLESSNESS THAT GOES INTO MAINTAINING SOMETHING SO SPECIAL.

ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ASPECT OF MY NAN’S LIFE WAS HER 76 YEAR FRIENDSHIP WITH OUR AUNTY AILEEN. THEY HAD BEEN TOGETHER THROUGH EACH LIFE EVENT - CHILDREN, OUTLIVING HUSBANDS, WALKING EACH OTHER THROUGH OLDER AGE, LOSS AND LIFE TOGETHER. IT WAS AILEEN WHO WAS THE ONE THERE TO HEAR WHAT NAN THOUGHT ABOUT THAT INCREDIBLY FORTUITOUS BLIND DATE WITH AN ENGLISH MAN AND MY NANNA WHO WAS THERE WHEN AILEEN HAD HER FIRST BABY. AS TINY 4 '9’’ AUNTY AILEEN GOT UP TO SPEAK AT NAN’S FUNERAL, AND TOLD US, ‘I’M NOT EXACTLY SURE HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT GRACIE’, I SAW THAT THEIR FRIENDSHIP IS A DREAM ONLY FEW GET TO EXPERIENCE. NO ONE IN MY NAN’S LIFE COULD FILL THE ROLE OF AUNTY AILEEN. MY NAN KNEW WHAT TRUE LOVE LOOKED LIKE AND SHE HELD ONTO IT WITH ALL HER MIGHT.

NAN, POP AND AUNTY AILEEN AT HER 94TH

NAN AND AUNTY AILEEN AT HER 90TH

NAN AND AILEEN IN THEIR DANCING DAYS

ONE OF MY OWN BEST FRIENDS IS A NURSE IN THE GERIATRIC WARD OF AUSTRALIA’S BIGGEST HOSPITAL. SHE’S BECOME SO FAMILIAR WITH DEATH, OLD AGE AND WITNESS THINGS I HOPE SHE NEVER HAS TO SEE AGAIN. HOWEVER, SHE SAID TO ME ONCE, THERE ARE PEOPLE SHE SEES AILING IN THEIR 60S AND 70S, NOT BECAUSE THEIR BODIES ARE FAILING BUT BECAUSE THE COMMUNITY IS. IF WE READ THE BLUE ZONES, IT’S THIS CONNECTION THAT SEES PEOPLE BECOME CENTURIONS MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE. PERHAPS MY GRANDPARENTS WERE SO WELL FOR SO LONG, NOT BECAUSE OF DIET OR FOLLOWING ARBITRARY RECOMMENDATIONS OF RED MEAT INTAKE BUT BECAUSE DAVE BOUGHT THE PAPER OVER EVERY FRIDAY. LESSON THREE: SIMPLE CONTENTEDNESS 15 YEARS AGO, MY POP WROTE THIS IN THE LAST PAGE OF HIS MEMOIR; ‘I’M SITTING HERE NOW HAVING JUST CELEBRATED MY 80TH BIRTHDAY WONDERING WHERE THE LAST 50 YEARS HAVE GONE AND HOW LUCKY WE BOTH ARE TOGETHER, HAPPY, HEALTHY AND LOOKING FORWARD TO MANY MORE TO COME. I THINK WE HAVE ACHIEVED A HAPPY AND CONTENTED LIFE TOGETHER HERE ON THE COAST, CHILDREN, GRANDCHILDREN, OUR OWN HOME, GOOD FRIENDS AND NEIGHBOURS…’WHAT’S THAT SAYING? ’..’IT DOESN’T GET MUCH BETTER THAN THIS’.

MY NAN HAD THE SAME BEAUTIFUL OUTLOOK. HERE ARE SOME LINES FROM HER EULOGY; ‘ONLY A HANDFUL OF TIMES ARE YOU LUCKY ENOUGH TO ENCOUNTER A PERSON SO CALM, SO SOFT AND WHOSE PRESENCE MAKES YOU FEEL SO SAFE. THEY SAY THE ONLY WAY TO HAVE EVERYTHING, IS TO KNOW THAT YOU ALREADY DO. MY NAN CERTAINLY KNEW THIS. SHE WAS SO SELF-ASSURED, SO CONTENT AND SO HAPPILY HERSELF. HAVING HER LOVE IN OUR LIVES, THERE IS NOTHING WE COULD LONG FOR. OF COURSE, WE WILL MISS THE HAPPY FACE SHE MADE WHEN WE TOLD HER GOOD NEWS, WE WILL MISS OUR PHONE’S LIGHTING UP WITH A TEXT FROM ‘NANNA’ AND THE LONG EVENINGS TOGETHER AT WATSONIA. BUT THE LOVE WE WERE GIVEN, THE CONNECTIONS SHE FORGED BETWEEN US AND THE SMELL OF BAKING PIKELETS WILL CONTINUE TO SUSTAIN US’.

LESSON FOUR: EGO AND PERHAPS MOST IMPORTANTLY, I HAVE NEVER WRITTEN WHAT MY GRANDPARENTS DID FOR A JOB. WHAT THEIR TITLE WAS OR HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE WATCHING THEIR TIKTOKS (THE ANSWER IS ZERO, ALTHOUGH KEN FEATURED ON A COUPLE INSTA STORIES). I DIDN’T CARE AND NEITHER DID THEY. AND I’M SURE AS YOU READ ABOUT HOW WONDERFUL AND PRSENT, THEY WERE, YOU DIDN'T WONDER WHAT THEIR INCOMES ONCE WERE.

FOR MY NAN AND POP

MY NANNA WROTE IN HER STORY THAT ‘[SHE] REGRETTED THAT [HER] THREE CHILDREN NEVER HAD THE JOY OF KNOWING GRANDPARENTS’. FOR US, HER OWN GRANDCHILDREN, THAT WAS NOT THE CASE. MY GRANDMOTHER’S LOVE AND OPENNESS FOR THE GRANDCHILDREN WAS CONSTANT AND UNWAVERING. IT WAS SHOWERED THROUGH GIFTS FROM THE HONEY PLACE AND ALLOWING BUCKETS OF STINKING CICADA SHELLS TO STAY INSIDE. SHE WAS THERE TO CELEBRATE EVERY WIN WITH US, SHE WAS THERE TO HEAL US AND SHE WAS THE ONE TO RUSH OVER WHEN OUR PET BUDGIE’S ARE ON THEIR LAST LEGS. MY GRANDPARENTS ARE THE MOST CONSTANT, LOVING PRESENCE ME, MY BROTHERS’ AND MY COUSINS’ LIVES HAVE BEEN GIFTED WITH. I AM SURE THE WORLD WOULD BE A MUCH HAPPIER PLACE IF EVERY CHILD HAD GRANDPARENTS LIKE MINE.

GROWING UP AND EVEN AS ADULTS, YOU WOULD FIND ALL US COUSINS AT OUR GRANDPARENTS WHENEVER WE HAD A SPARE MOMENT. MY GRANDPARENTS' HOUSE WAS OUR HOME. THE HOURS WE SPENT SITTING IN A WINTER’S SUN WITH AFTERNOON TEA ON THE FRONT VERANDAH AND THE SQUAWK OF MAGPIES AND GALAHS OF MY GRANDPARENTS’ BACKYARD PROVIDED THE SOUNDTRACK OF A CHILDHOOD. THESE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS AS I DRIVE PAST THEIR STREET, OR AS THE AFTERNOON SUN CASTS LONG SHADOWS, AND DEEP ORANGE FLOODS THE GRASS, I FEEL A WAVE OF EMPTINESS. I’LL MISS MY GRANDMOTHER. SHE WAS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS. SHE KNEW MY PEOPLE. SHE KNEW THAT THALIA AND JOANNA WERE IN LONDON AND NICOLE IS THE NURSE. AND CURRENTLY, AS I PICK EUCALYPTUS LEAVES TO DRY FOR MY WEDDING DAY, I FEEL SADNESS, KNOWING THAT SHE WON’T BE THERE. WHEN MY POP DIED, I HAD A RING MADE WITH THEIR WEDDING DATE ENGRAVED ON THE INSIDE. FOR MY NAN, PERHAPS THE GREATEST THING THAT I GET TO BE IN THIS LIFE IS HER NAMESAKE.

MY FAVOURITE BUDDHIST MONK, THICH NHAT HANH HE SAYS THAT,

‘THE MIRACLE ISN'T THAT WE CAN WALK ON WATER, THE MIRACLE IS THAT WE CAN WALK ON EARTH’. MY GRANDPARENTS CERTAINLY UNDERSTOOD THIS, AND I HOPE THAT WITH THEIR LONG PRESENCE IN MY LIFE, I CAN BE REMINDED OF THIS TOO.